This
Rare
Disease
Made
Irrfan
Feel
As
He
Was A
Part
Of
Trial-And-Error
Game
"It's
been
quite
some
time
now
since
I
have
been
diagnosed
with
a
high-grade
neuroendocrine cancer.
This
new
name
in
my
vocabulary,
I
got
to
know,
was
rare,
and
due
to
fewer
study
cases,
and
less
information
comparatively,
the
unpredictability
of
the
treatment
was
more.
I
was
part
of
a
trial-and-error
game."
It
Was
Like
Travelling
On
A
Speedy
Train
Ride
"I
had
been
in
a
different
game,
I
was
travelling
on
a
speedy
train
ride,
had
dreams,
plans,
aspirations,
goals,
was
fully
engaged
in
them.
And
suddenly
someone
taps
on
my
shoulder
and
I
turn
to
see.
It's
the
TC:
"Your
destination
is
about
to
come.
Please
get
down."
I
am
confused:
"No,
no.
My
destination
hasn't
come."
"No,
this
is
it.
This
is
how
it
is
sometimes."
Life
Is
Unpredictable
"The
suddenness
made
me
realise
how
you
are
just
a
cork
floating
in
the
ocean
with
UNPREDICTABLE
currents!
And
you
are
desperately
trying
to
control
it."
Irrfan
Was
Shocked,
Afraid
And
In
Panic
"In
this
chaos,
shocked,
afraid
and
in
panic,
while
on
one
of
the
terrifying
hospital
visits,
I
blabber
to
my
son,
"The
only
thing
I
expect
from
ME
is
not
to
face
this
crisis
in
this
present
state.
I
desperately
need
my
feet.
Fear
and
panic
should
not
overrule
me
and
make
me
miserable."
Getting
To
Know
Pain
"That
was
my
INTENTION.
AND
THEN
PAIN
HIT.
As
if
all
this
while,
you
were
just
getting
to
know
pain,
and
now
you
know
his
nature
and
his
intensity.
Nothing
was
working;
NO
consolation,
no
motivation.
The
entire
cosmos
becomes
one
at
that
moment
-
just
PAIN,
and
pain
felt
more
enormous
than
GOD.
He
Was
Drained,
Exhausted
&
Listless
"As
I
was
entering
the
hospital,
drained,
exhausted,
listless,
I
hardly
realised
my
hospital
was
on
the
opposite
side
of
Lord's,
the
stadium.
The Mecca of
my
childhood
dream.
Amidst
the
pain,
I
saw
a
poster
of
a
smiling Vivian
Richards.
Nothing
happened,
as
if
that
world
didn't
ever
belong
to
me."
The
Game
Of
Life
&
Death
"This
hospital
also
had
a
coma
ward
right
above
me.
Once,
while
standing
on
the
balcony
of
my
hospital
room,
the
peculiarity
jolted
me.
Between
the
game
of
life
and
the
game
of
death,
there
is
just
a
road.
On
one
side,
a
hospital,
on
the
other,
a
stadium.
As
if
one
isn't
part
of
anything
which
might
claim
certainty
-
neither
the
hospital,
nor
the
stadium.
That
hit
me
hard."
Irrfan
Realized
That
The
Only
Thing
Certain
Was
The
Uncertainity
"I
was
left
with
this
immense
effect
of
the
enormous
power
and
intelligence
of
the
cosmos.
The
peculiarity
of
MY
hospital's
location
-
it
HIT
me.
The
only
thing
certain
was
the
uncertainty.
All
I
could
do
was
to
realise
my
strength
and
play
my
game
better."
This
Is
How
Irrfan
Feels
Now
"This
realisation
made
me
submit,
surrender
and
trust,
irrespective
of
the
outcome,
irrespective
of
where
this
takes
me,
eight
months
from
now,
or
four
months
from
now,
or
two
years.
The
concerns
took
a
back
seat
and
started
to
fade
and
kind
of
went
out
of
my
mindspace.
For
the
first
time,
I
felt
what
'freedom' truly
means.
It
felt
like
an
accomplishment.
As
if
I
was
tasting
life
for
the
first
time,
the
magical
side
of
it.
My
confidence
in
the
intelligence
of
the
cosmos
became
absolute.
I
feel
as
if
it
has
entered
every
cell
of
mine.
Time
will
tell
if
it
stays,
but
that
is
how
I
feel
as
of
now."
All
The
Prayers
Have
Become
One
"Throughout
my
journey,
people
have
been
wishing
me
well,
praying
for
me,
from
all
over
the
world.
People
I
know,
people
I
don't
even
know.
They
were
praying
from
different
places,
different
time
zones,
and
I
feel
all
their
prayers
become
ONE.
One
big
force,
like
a
force
of
current,
which
got
inside
me
through
the
end
of
my
spine
and
has
germinated
through
the
crown
of
my
head.
It's
germinating
-
sometimes
a
bud,
a
leaf,
a
twig,
a
shoot.
I
keep
relishing
and
looking
at
it.
Each
flower,
each
twig,
each
leaf
which
has
come
from
the
cumulative
prayers,
each
fills
me
with
wonder,
happiness
and
curiosity.
A
realisation
that
the
cork
doesn't
need
to
control
the
current.
That
you
are
being
gently
rocked
in
the
cradle
of
nature."